The Only Way to Survive High School is with Your Fists Blazing
by Imogene Hemlock
Summary: High school AU, pairing Hijikata x Gintoki. Various circumstances force 17-year-old Gin to move suddenly, and after Otose takes him in, he transfers to a new school where he meets all the Gintama characters we know and love. He turns Hijikata's comfortable high school life upside down, then flips him head over heels in love. Possible additional pairings. Rating will vary from T-M.
1. If the First Day Goes Well, Watch Out

**The Only Way to Survive High School is with Your Fists Blazing**

Cover Photo Source: : strawberry-milk-anime . blogspot / 2011 / 07 / blatant-fan-service-in-gintama . html

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><p><span>Author's Note<span>: This is a long A/N, but please stick with me! If you really want to skip it, though, look for the big line break.

Warnings for This Chapter: The rating will vary, but this one is T for some foul language and sexual innuendos.

This is an AU: I've been itching for a high school AU love story of everyone's favorite yaoi Gintama pairing, but I can't seem to find one! Does anyone know of any fics like that? If so, please drop a line!

Anyway, after a while, I couldn't stand it, so I started writing this fic. I'm a long-time lover of Gintama, but it's my first time writing about these beloved clowns, so please let me know how I'm doing. Forgive me for what will undoubtedly be lots of terrible attempts at humor.

Length/Content: Right now I'm just flailing around in a word processing page, but I want to make this a nice ongoing story. There will most definitely be tasty lemons to come (which will be sectioned off in case you want to skip them), but I want to do a somewhat slow build up to it and really take advantage of the AU setting to get some fun, playful fluff, sexual tension, the nerves of young romance, and the feeling of danger and hesitation in pursuing a homosexual relationship in a society that still largely resists the idea.

Japanese Phrases: Please forgive me, I'm a huge fan of a lot of the catch phrases and speech patterns that get tossed around in Gintama. I'll try not to sound too touristy about it, but I want to incorporate lots of bits of common Japanese words and phrases, like 'yorozuya,' honorifics, and one of my favorites, "Zura jya nai. Katsura desu," when the time comes. For those who aren't familiar with or don't immediately recognize these little things, I'll include a list with explanations in each chapter.

My Romaji: For those of you studying Japanese, a note on my romaji: I like to make my romaji as complete as possible, because I found this helped me a lot when I was first learning the hiragana characters. It helps a lot with spelling and understanding stress, I think. So I use 'ou, ei, jya' etc. instead of 'oo, ee, ja' etc. Sometimes that makes things look a little clunky, so please forgive me! Also, I haven't had occasion to use romaji in a while, so I apologize for any little mistakes I make.

Words and Phrases in This Chapter

Yoroshiku: Used here as the closing to an introduction, like 'Nice to meet you' (not a literal translation).

-san: General honorific. Polite suffix used for any gender.

Oi: 'Hey'

Sensei: 'Teacher.'

Temee: Literally, 'you.' It is extremely informal (in fact, this is the slang spelling) and usually rude. It's often translated as 'bastard.'

Sumimasen: 'Excuse me, I'm sorry,' or 'thank you,' depending on the context. (Super useful word!)

Hai: 'Yes.' Polite.

Shitsureshimasu: 'Excuse me,' used when excusing yourself to leave in a formal situation.

Gaki: 'Kid, brat.'

Okaa-san: 'Mother.'

Bentou: 'Lunch box.'

Baba: 'Old lady, hag.'

Baka: 'Idiot.'

Itekimasu: Literally, 'I will go and come back,' a phrase used when leaving the house.

Iterashai: Literally, 'please go and come back,' the response to 'itekimasu' when someone leaves.

Danna: 'Mister,' used often by Sougo when addressing Gin. It's often translated as 'boss.'

-kun: Honorific suffix primarily used for males in the same age group.

Yorozuya: 'Odd jobs, jack-of-all-trades.' This is the title Gin gives himself and his shop. It has really interesting origins that you can read about on the wiki page. (gintama . wikia wiki / yorozuya _ Gin-chan)

Banjiya: 'Odd jobs,' the typical word used for this concept in Japanese. Kagura points this out in episode 164 (gintama . wikia wiki / yorozuya _ Gin-chan)

A'iight, on to the story!

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><p><span>Day One<span>

The seventeen-year-old boy stood at the front of his new class with a bored look on his face. He introduced himself at the teacher's prompting.

"Yo. Sakata Gintoki. Sweets are the most important thing in life, and if any of you ever makes a pass at one of my parfaits, I'll throttle you. Yoroshiku." He looked back at his teacher with a raised eyebrow that silently asked, _am I done now?_

The teacher, Isao Kondou let out a sigh. He knew this kid would turn out to be a pain in the ass. Everything about him from his lazy appearance (scuffed sneakers, plain jeans, and a jacket that he only wore by one sleeve, letting the other dangle carelessly at his side) to his punk-ass silver hair exuded trouble waiting to happen.

"Fantastic, Sakata-san," Kondou said, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. "Okay, everyone give him a warm welcome."

The kids gave a half-assed round of applause, and Kondou was just thinking he might manage to move on without a hitch when one of the girls shouted from the back of the class. "Oi, sensei! What's up with his hair? Principle said I can't dye mine blue, but he gets to cosplay as an old man?"

Kondou sighed again. "Believe it or not, Sakata-san's hair is naturally that color. And naturally wavy," he added without thinking.

Gintoki rolled his eyes. "One of Gin-san's many talents," he said. Then he turned toward the kid who'd spoken out. "You! Don't look down on the elderly! Our generation planted the trees!"

"What are you even saying?" The girl called back. "You're obviously no older than 12!"

"Alright, alright, you're done. Just go take a seat Sakata-san. Catherine, you're staying for detention again today." She scoffed and mumbled profanities under her breath, but otherwise shut up.

Gin picked his nose as he strolled toward the only empty seat near the back of the room. He plopped into the chair and took a glance at his neighbors. There was a girl with bright orange hair in front of him doodling lazy patterns on her desk. The kid on his left had black hair that was way too long and was engrossed in making a weird white penguin doll do some crazy dance. To his right sat a boy dressed in all black with an almost comically grumpy look on his face.

"Oi, oi," Gin whispered to him. "I think there's something stuck up your ass. You'll feel better if you pull it out."

"Tch!" He hissed, glaring at him. "Shut the fuck up, new kid."

"Hmm, yeah, definitely something big up there. They have a nurse here you know. It'll probably take a professional to yank that out."

"You got a hearing problem asshole?" he growled, leaning toward him in an aggressive stance.

"Your asshole is what's got a problem," Gin said lazily. "Your friend Gin-san is helping you out here. You're welcome."

"Hah?" He grunted. "Who the hell called you friend? I'm gonna beat some respect into you soon as—"

"Hijikata-san!" Kondou shouted from the front of the room. "Quiet back there. Raise your hand if you want to say something."

_Hijikata, huh?_ Gin thought. _What an annoying name_. Still, he looked forward to continuing to piss the guy off. Gin smirked and leaned back in his chair which made rather obnoxious creaking sounds. Maybe he wouldn't die of boredom here.

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><p>The rest of the day went by quickly. Gin had transferred to this school two weeks after the start of the semester, so he had to slog his way through a lot of extra meetings with his teachers to pick up far too many packets of extra homework to catch up on. Only vaguely did he notice how bizarre all of his classmates were. There was no such thing as quiet in that building.<p>

He let out a sigh when school was finally over. He couldn't wait to cram all the stupid books and homework that had accumulated in his locker throughout the day into his backpack and get home. He didn't even care that he'd be coming home to his crazy old bat of a guardian yelling at him to do chores he'd inevitably manage to sneak out of doing.

As far as he was concerned, nothing could ruin this wonderful relief of being done for the day.

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><p>Hijikata slammed Gin against his locker. The kid was foolish enough to stick around after most people had left, giving Hijikata the perfect chance to get some payback. He smirked as he bent one of Gin's arms behind his back. To his surprise, Gin immediately responded by jabbing him in the stomach with his free elbow. He whirled around and kicked Hijikata away from him the moment his grip loosened on his arm.<p>

"I see you didn't go to the nurse. I bet you have hemorrhoids by now," Gin said, totally unfazed by the assault.

Hijikata growled and rushed forward. This time he grabbed the boy by his collar and lifted him off the ground. "Temee! I told you to shut the fuck up."

"That was hours ago. Or are you in so much pain that your sense of time is warped?" Hijikata felt himself getting even angrier when the other boy continued to show no emotion. His body was relaxed, and his eyes were totally blank. Kind of glazed over. _Like dead fish eyes_, Hijikata thought with disgust.

"I don't think you get it, kid. I call the shots around here, and you pissed me off. I can make your life hell," he rumbled from the back of his throat.

"Tsk, tsk," Gin taunted. "Rude one, aren't you? This is a lot of trouble for a few cheeky comments. You got a crush on me or something?" He smirked devilishly.

Hijikata tried to punch him in the face, but Gin caught his fist just before it landed. "Listen, I'm flattered, but we just met," he teased.

Hijikata was about to pull out all the stops and just kick this boy in the balls and then beat him until he was begging for mercy when he heard footsteps. Reluctantly, he released Gin, but continued to glare at him.

"Oh? Hijikata-san? And you, Sakata-san, was it?" A beautiful young woman asked as she rounded the corner. "What are you still doing here? School's been out for a half an hour."

"Sumimasen, Shimura-sensei," Hijikata said with a bow. Gin raised his eyebrows at his sudden polite behavior. "I was just helping out Sakata-kun since he's new. Making sure he understands how things work around here," he continued. There was just a hint of bite behind his words.

Otae smiled brightly. "Ah, how nice! Well you can show him around more tomorrow. You should be heading home now."

"Hai," Hijikata responded. "Shitsureshimasu," he said with another bow. As he walked down the hall, he looked over his shoulder to shoot one more glare at Gin before heading toward the exit.

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><p><span>Day Two<span>

"Oi, oi! Gintoki! You're going to be late!" the old woman shouted outside Gin's bedroom door. He groaned at the sound of her raspy voice and buried his face in his pillow. Maybe if he stayed quiet she'd forget about him. "_Oi_, Ga_ki_! Get your lazy ass out of bed!"

"Okaa-san, that's no way to talk to your son!" Gin yelled back, the sound muffled by his pillow.

"Who's okaa-san? Get up and go to school so you can hurry up and move out on your own!"

Gin let out an enormous groan. "Fiiiiine! I'm up! Go away you old bat!" He shouted, reluctantly rolling out of bed.

"Hm! That's no way to talk to okaa-san!"

"Oi! You just denied that! You can't be okaa-san now! You can't just go back on the joke!"

"It's my house, I'll do as I please!"

Suddenly they heard a pounding sound from the floor below them. "Worthless gaki!" the old woman yelled, a little quieter, through the door. "You're pissin' off the neighbors."

Gin, now fully dressed, opened the door and rolled his eyes at her. "Who's the one yelling here?"

Otose gave him a light bop on the head. "You're about to be yelling if you don't get out of here. It's 7:30."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled. "I'm going, I'm going."

While Gin sleepily shoved his books into his backpack, Otose disappeared into the kitchen. She came back a minute later with a wrapped bentou and a carton of strawberry milk. Gin beamed at her. "You're a saint, baba."

She handed him the items and then gave him another whack on the head. "Don't compliment and insult people in the same sentence, baka."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled. He slid his shoes on and moved to the door. "Itekimasu," he said with a yawn and a wave over his shoulder.

Now that his back was turned, Otose smiled. "Iterashai," she called back.

This was a typical morning for them, but in spite of all the yelling, she loved it. Her house had been lonely and boring before she'd taken this kid in at the beginning of the summer, and she was grateful to have someone around to argue with. Like hell was she going to age like society expected her to, living out her days calmly and slowly, drinking tea alone while she read the paper. She'd make sure her neighbors had a broom on hand to pound on their ceiling until the day she died.

Snickering at the thought, Otose left the foyer to start getting ready for her day of work at the shop.

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><p>Gin was exhausted because he'd had to stay up late doing the first round of his damn make-up work. The only reason he did it was because Otose had sat vigilantly by his desk reading a newspaper, whacking him roughly the second he stopped working. Thankfully, he managed to mostly sleep his way through class all the way until lunch time. He jolted awake a minute before the bell rang as if he'd set an internal alarm clock.<p>

"Finally awake, eh asshole?" Hijikata whispered.

Gin smirked. "You were watching me sleep?" He was delighted to see Hijikata's face contort with anger.

"Hell no! I was forced to listen to your obnoxious snoring! You're too loud!"

"You're the one shouting," Gin said happily. Nothing could dampen his high spirits at the moment; he had a bentou waiting, and he desperately hoped Otose had been kind enough to include his favorite pudding. He jumped out of his seat the second the bell rang. "See you later, Oogushi-kun!"

"What did you call me?" Hijikata roared. But Gin was already gone, already trotting off to the lunch room.

"Tch!" Hijikata glared at the air Gin had previously occupied and moved to head for the cafeteria as well. The fact that he'd be forced to eat in the same room with that asshole irritated him to no end, but he knew Kondou wouldn't allow him to stay in the classroom. The bastard sensei was too pitiful to enforce rules with intimidation, but Hijikata had a soft spot for him; that gorilla really did care about his students.

Too bad for Hijikata that he forgot about his roof spot. When he arrived in the lunch room, he realized with dismay that the only available seat was across from a certain silver-haired jerk. He stormed his way over, determined to eat his damn lunch, pest or no pest.

"Hey asshole," he greeted Gin as he sat down. "Before you make some jackass remark, this is the only seat open. I hate you with all my soul, and I can only hope I don't throw up from disgust with your presence."

However, Hijikata's brilliant entrance was completely ignored. Gin was enthralled by his lunch and half heartedly participating in a conversation with Kagura who sat to his left.

"Gin-chan!" she said, nudging him with her elbow. She'd instantly taken a liking to the boy and spoke to him familiarly from the start. "I heard you've got a job even though you're just a kid."

"Yep," Gin responded through bites of pudding. "Yorozuya Gin-chan, at your service."

Hijikata couldn't stand being ignored, especially not by this brat. "What the hell is a yorozuya?"

"Odd jobs," Gin said without looking up.

"Don't you mean banjiya?" Kagura asked.

"No, no, yorozuya," he said. "My shop is one of a kind, so it has a unique name."

Hijikata was getting increasingly pissed off by how focused the kid was on his food. "Odd jobs? So, what, you do anything for money?"

"I'm not sucking your dick if that's what you're asking," Gin said bluntly.

"What?" Hijikata shouted. The lightest hint of a blush touched his face. "Like hell would I ask you to do that!"

"Good, because I'm not doing it."

"Don't you listen? I said I'm not asking you to do it!"

"I might," the boy next to Hijikata interrupted. "How much, Danna?" he asked, leaning forward and resting his head on his hands.

"Sougo? What the hell?" Hijikata recoiled and stared at him in shock.

"What? I want to know my options."

Gin stroked his chin. "Hmm… Depends. How do you want to use your water hose? You want to spray the petals or soak the soil?"

Hijikata's mouth dropped. Kagura just watched the exchange obliviously while she munched on pickled sea weed.

"I want to mist the petals so I can see the water drops. I'll give you 300 yen," he said flatly.

"300 yen?" Gin repeated gruffly. "What flower's gonna let you spray on him for 300 yen?"

"Are you serious? Are you seriously going to have this guy pay you to suck his cock?" Hijikata stared at the two of them.

"Wow, Hijikata-kun, is that all you think about? Okita-kun and I are talking about gardening here. Gardening."

"Yes, you really should get your mind out of the gutter Hijikata-kun. Danna, I'll give you 400 yen," Sougo said as he turned back to Gin.

"Tch! Fucking faggots," Hijikata mumbled and stood to leave.

"Says the guy who thinks about cocks all day."

"Shut up new kid!" Hijikata stormed away to avoid hearing whatever retort the boy had planned. This wasn't funny. This wasn't funny at all. Only the second day of this bastard being here and Hijikata felt like he was ruining everything. He couldn't blow his nose without feeling those dead fish eyes on him and that stupid mouth ready to spout garbage.

"Yamazaki!"

"H-hai!" the boy appeared out of nowhere at the sound of his name.

"Got a job for you. Stake out the new kid. Find his weaknesses. I need some good dirt on that asshole." Giving orders, being in command, Hijikata felt better already. He could take care of this nuisance easily. He'd be nothing for a brilliant tactician like him.

"Hai!" Yamazaki gave a brisk salute and then ran off to buy anpan.

Hijikata smiled as he made his way to the roof. It was empty as usual—everyone knew this was Hijikata's private smoking spot, and no one dared to come up here for fear of his fists. He walked over to the edge of the building and leaned on the railing, then looked out at the city while he lit a cigarette. After a minute he kicked the railing, realizing he should have come up here in the first place. But then again, why should he have to? _He_ was the boss here. The crowd of kids parted for him when he walked down the hall, and no one dared to even think about stepping on his toes. He had to deal with this worm before things got out of hand.

"You better prepare yourself, yorozuya. I'm gonna find something to use against you. Then I'm gonna beat some life into your eyes."

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><p>Ooo, scary! So, what do you think so far? Thanks for reading!<p> 


	2. Plot Devices May be Bad Writing, but

Author's Note: It's Gintoki's birthday! Yay! Happy birthday Gin!

Sorry it's been a while since I posted this! When I realized it was Gin's birthday today, I kicked myself in the butt until I finished this chapter. I hope you guys like it, and I'll try to update more often.

Thanks so much for the follows, faves, and reviews! I wish I could respond to the guests, but since I can't, I'll thank you here: it means so much to me that you took the time to write your thoughts! Thanks bunches. 3

Warnings: I changed the rating of this story to M now because at the end of this chapter is the first **rated M section** for sexual content. If you want to skip it, it's clearly labeled. Just stop reading when you see the mature content warning. Otherwise, rated T for some foul language and bad attempts at humor.

A Little More on This AU: I'll be honest. I'm going to be a little lazy here. I want the background assumption to be that the characters are actually speaking Japanese (with this narration providing English so that readers can understand it) and to mostly be set in Japanese culture, but I know very little about the Japanese school system. Maybe later down the line I'll do some research, as a good writer should (sorry for slacking!), but for now I have an absurd little temporary fix.

Go with me on this! In this AU, WWII turned out differently. Hitler was still stopped and everything, because that stuff was seriously sad, but let's say after that Japan took over the U.S. and Japanese and American culture got all mix-and-matched. Thus, here we have an AU where the characters are speaking Japanese, and there are some elements of Japanese culture and some elements of American culture.

Maybe I'll have a goofy scene where they learn about this in history class and poke fun at my own absurdity. What do you think?

Words and Phrases in This Chapter (Excluding those defined in the last chapter)

Rippana district: a fictional location I've created where the high school is located. 'Rippana' means respectable. It neighbors the Kabuki district, showing just how fine a line there sometimes is between the respectable and the shady. (Okay… maybe it's kind of over the top… meh!)

Jya: An informal goodbye, like 'later'

Fujyoushi: A term for women who enjoy yaoi

Chibi: Little or cute

Are?: Huh?

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><p>Chapter 2: Plot Devices May be Bad Writing, but They're Fun so We Use Them Anyway<p>

Day Three

Yamazaki poked his head around the corner of a building with a piece of anpan dangling from his lips. He was starting his mission by following the new kid home to scope out his house. The boy seemed pretty ordinary to Yamazaki so far, even harmless. He looked like just another lazy kid trying to skate his way through high school under the radar.

Yamazaki studied Gintoki's walk. It, too, was lazy. He didn't really walk so much as amble, his feet falling lightly on the pavement. Yamazaki did notice, however, that the boy kept his back straight. Perhaps the apathetic attitude was just an act, and behind that less than perfectly hygienic teen lurked a force to be reckoned with. Yamazaki snickered. _Nah. He probably just knows how to push Vice Commander's buttons_.

Yamazaki ducked behind an old sofa that had been abandoned on the curb. Gintoki had looked over his shoulder. Was he following too closely? Better keep his distance a bit more. Couldn't disappoint the boss.

Gintoki faced forward again and continued ambling down the street. Yamazaki waited about 20 paces and then started following again. The two of them traveled through the Rippana district and on into the Kabuki district. It was quite a walk. Was he actually going somewhere else before going home? And wasn't this a really poor area? And wait… wasn't this the direction of the Vice Commander's house?

Yamazaki jumped out of his thoughts when his target suddenly rounded a corner. He scurried forward to avoid losing him.

"Eep!" He let out a decidedly unmanly shriek when he turned the corner and ran straight into Gintoki, falling right on his ass. The other boy had his arms crossed over his chest and looked down at him with one eyebrow raised.

"Do you have a crush on me, too? I've never had so many stalkers before."

"W-what? No, I wasn't stalking you! I wasn't following you at all!" He stammered.

"Huh. Alright then. Jya," he said with a wave over his shoulder.

Yamazaki started to panic. He'd been spotted, so now even if he did manage to tail him properly he was likely to try to give him the slip. He had to salvage the mission fast. "Uh, wait! Wait, wait!" He scrambled to his feet and chased after Gintoki. "I, um. Uh, sorry to bother you, just, uh…" Yamazaki spit out the first thing that came to mind. "I thought you looked cool! And I don't have many friends!"

"Eh? And you hoped to improve your prospects by stalking me?"

"No, no, I wasn't stalking you!" He waved his hands rapidly. The more flustered he became, the more intense his gestures got.

Gintoki smirked. "So you typically walk by sneaking? You usually poke your head around corners and dodge roll behind couches? Are you playing ninja or something?"

"Oh. Uh. Yeah! Yeah, I do that sometimes. But hey, listen, can I just walk with you for a while?" This was humiliating, but Yamazaki was determined to make his mission a success.

Gintoki shrugged. "Sure. Just don't get any ideas, you creeper."

"Seriously, I'm not stalking you, I swear!"

"Yeah, yeah." Gintoki started walking again.

Yamazaki walked at his side wordlessly for a while. _Okay, no harm done_, he thought. _If anything, now I'll learn more! This is my chance to impress Vice Commander!_

"So. Uh… Do you uh, like it here so far?" he wanted to smack himself. Far from impressive.

"Eh? Oh, sure, I guess. Better than being on the streets." Gintoki's voice was flat, as usual.

Yamazaki gave a nervous laugh. "Yeah, definitely. So… have you lived on the streets before?" _Oh shit_, he thought, _is that too personal to ask about?_

"Yeah. 'Till the old lady put me up. I'd rather just be working, but Baba insisted I go to school. Waste of time if you ask me. Learning in life is all about practical application, I say!" he said with a wave of his hand.

"Haha, yeah, definitely. School is such a waste of time," Yamazaki echoed, hoping for some brownie points.

Gintoki turned to give him a stern look. "Oi, oi, that's delinquent talk there. You've got to go to school or you'll turn out to be a worthless degenerate, kid."

"Ehhh?" Yamazaki gawked at him. "You just said practical lessons are better! And why are you talking like you're an old man?"

"I can't believe the disrespect for elders these days. This is why society keeps declining, I tell you."

Yamazaki wanted to shout at him. He was spouting nonsense. But he forced himself to take a deep breath and regain his cool. He was on a mission! He must stay on the target's good side!

"Ah, you're right. Sorry, elder," he mumbled, swallowing his pride.

"Who are you calling elder? How old do you think I am?"

This was ridiculous. There was no winning with this guy. He was just about to give it up and walk in silence the rest of the way when Gintoki stopped. He hadn't even realized that they'd arrived at the doorstep of a rundown three story apartment building.

"Well, congratulations, stalker. Now you know where I live," Gin announced in a bored tone.

Yamazaki didn't even bother trying to argue over the title the boy had given him. "Oh! Is that so? Ah, this is a nice, um, house."

Gin looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You think so? You should probably get your eyes checked." With that, he turned and walked up to the door of the building, fishing through his pockets for his keys.

"Uh… well, um… thanks for walking with me! See you tomorrow! Oh, my name's Yamazaki, by the way!" he called after him in a rush. Gin's only response was a small wave over his shoulder.

Yamazaki heaved a huge sigh and finally let himself relax. Well, the mission wasn't a total failure. He did find out where the target lived, and learned a little about his background. Surely Vice Commander would be happy with that. Yamazaki was excited at the thought of finally getting to return from a mission with nothing but good news. And then he noticed a certain detail about the house directly next door to Gintoki's apartment building.

So much for that good news.

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><p><span>Day Four<span>

"Ah, Yamazaki," Hijikata called when he saw the boy across the hall. "Report."

"Bad news, Vice Commander." Hijikata glared at him. Yamazaki shivered, but tried to steel himself; he'd found that it was best to just deliver bad news to his boss fast. "The new kid is your neighbor."

"What?" Hijikata slammed his fist against a nearby locker. "That's ridiculous. You think I wouldn't have noticed that?"

"Well… you're always on time, and Sakata-san has been late every day so far, so maybe you just haven't crossed paths yet…" Yamazaki ventured cautiously.

Hijikata sighed. "Perfect. The bad penny's following me home." Then his expression changed to a devious smirk. "Although, this does make it easy for me to get back at him."

"Indeed. I also have good news."

"Eh? What's that?"

"I started befriending him," Yamazaki said proudly.

Hijikata narrowed his eyes. "You thinking of turning on me? How is that good news?"

"No, no," he said quickly, flailing his arms. "Under pretense! You know, to get close to the enemy and gather more intel."

"Hmph. Well, in that case, well done. Keep it up, soldier," he said.

"Hai!" Yamazaki gave him a salute. He knew this meant his briefing was over, so he turned and made his exit.

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><p>As soon as the bell rang for lunch, Hijikata grabbed his bentou and stomped into the cafeteria looking for Gintoki. He spotted the curly-haired bastard in what was becoming his usual spot next to Kagura, Katsura, Shinpachi, and Sougo. When he got to the table, he plopped into the seat across from Gin and jabbed a finger at his face.<p>

"You," he shouted. "What the hell do you think you're doing trying to be my neighbor?"

Gintoki looked up from his parfait absent mindedly. "Hah? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you living next door to me, asshole. What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Gin continued staring at him with his dead fish eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about. I live where I live. If you happen to live next door, that isn't my fault."

Hijikata clenched his jaw. "Just don't get any ideas, you asshole," he grumbled as he realized everyone around them was staring. When he moved to unwrapping his bentou, pointedly ignoring Gin, the rest of the students went back to their chatter. It seemed like the remainder of their lunch period would be peacefully boring until Sougo spoke up.

"Huh. Danna, don't you think that's a really convenient plot device?"

"Eh?" Gintoki mouthed around the spoon jutting from his lips. "What ish?"

"You and Hijikata-san being neighbors. Convenient, right?"

"Hm, yeah." Gin took the spoon out of his mouth and tapped it lightly against his lips. "It sounds like the kind of lazy thing an author who just wants to get smut into the story as fast as possible would do," Gin mused.

"Hey! You're breaking the fourth wall! You two are definitely breaking the fourth wall!" Shinpachi shouted.

"Yep, you'd better keep a close watch on your ass, boss." Sougo said, totally ignoring Shinpachi.

"Eh? My ass? You think I'd be the bottom? No way," Gintoki shivered. "No freakin' way! Oi!" he shouted, turning his gaze upward. "You up there! Author-san! Don't think that just because this is fiction you can do whatever you want! I'm not just some fujyoushi puppet!"

Shinpachi face palmed. "The wall is gone. You destroyed it."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hijikata asked with annoyance. "What the hell's a fujyoushi?"

Sarutobi popped up from under the table. "Fujyoushi are the leaders of tomorrow. They're brilliant women who understand the depths of homoerotic sensuality!"

Gin pushed the girl away. "Oi! Stalker number three! Back off! This is sacred parfait time here."

"Three?" Sarutobi squealed. Tears started to well up in her eyes. "Am I really only third in your heart?"

"You're not in my heart! You're in my personal bubble! Get out of it!" Gintoki shouted, still struggling to create some distance between the two of them.

Kagura sniffed. "Are? Do you guys smell masochism and desperation?"

"All I smell is idiocy," Hijikata grumbled.

"I hear deodorant is good for that," Gin said as he pointed his spoon at him. "You should give it a try."

A vein popped out on Hijikata's forehead. "What was that, ass-wipe?!"

"I said you smell like—" Gintoki's words were drowned out by the blare of the fire alarm. All of the kids shrieked and covered their ears.

"No way," Hijikata wailed. He was grateful no one could hear the whiny tone his voice had slipped into. "No fuckin' way!"

* * *

><p>Gin closed the door to his room, threw off his clothes until he was down to his strawberry patterned boxers, and plopped down on his futon. He was so glad the fourth day of chaos in a row was finally over. He could finally relax.<p>

***Warning: Mature Content***

That was when his lower half decided it had other plans. _What the hell?_ he thought. How could the little guy in his boxers be excited after such an exhausting day? He still had a bump on his head from where Otose had whacked him this morning for waking up late, got hit by the sprinklers on his way out of the building during the fire drill, and got detention for giving in and kicking Hijikata in the shin around 2 o'clock. What part of _any_ of that was arousing?

_Ah, well_, Gintoki thought. _The body of a teenage boy is a mysterious thing. Just ignore it Gin-san. _He squeezed his eyes shut. _Sleep already!_ Ah, but he had left the lights on. _Fuck it. I'm not getting up. If I get up, I admit defeat. I'm going to sleep. I'm seriously going to sleep now!_

But it was fruitless. Chibi Gin was still standing at attention in his boxers, begging for attention. Gintoki groaned. "Goddamn it," he mumbled, finally giving in and slipping his hand under the waistband.

* * *

><p>Hijikata couldn't help himself. He had to know. After spending several minutes fighting it, he finally went over to his bedroom window to find out if he could see into Gintoki's apartment from here.<p>

"No fuckin' way," he muttered. He could see his apartment, alright. His window was directly across from the window to Gintoki's bedroom. "Tch!" he scoffed. Those two really were onto something when they talked about a convenient plot device.

Hijikata gasped. The other boy's light was still on, so he could see very clearly as Gin stripped down to his boxers. Hijikata blushed bright red. He should look away. This was disgusting. Who would want to watch that guy undress? But he kept watching, breathless, as Gin unzipped his hoodie, letting the one sleeve fall free of his arm so that the garment dropped to the floor. His black shirt came next, and Hijikata felt his breath hitch when he saw the boy's muscular chest and stomach. He noticed that he had quite a few scars snaking across his skin. Before he had time to wonder where they came from, Gin unzipped his jeans and stepped out of them nearly completely naked.

Hijikata couldn't believe he was still watching. It was sick. Perverted. And he was watching a guy at that. He should stop. He should really stop. But he couldn't.

He kept watching as Gintoki flopped onto his futon. It was laid out on top of a raised level in the floor just high enough so that he could still see most of his body. Several minutes passed, and Hijikata began to regain his composure enough to think about closing his blinds when the sight before him made him freeze. Gintoki was reaching into his boxers.

"Fuck," he whispered. He was about to jack off. Gintoki was about to jack off, and Hijikata was about to watch him do it.

"No, no, no, no way," he whispered to himself. "That's fuckin' gross. I'm going to sleep. I'm seriously going to sleep now!" But his feet wouldn't move. He was frozen in place, and he couldn't tear his eyes away from what he saw.

Gintoki's hand was moving inside his boxers now. His hand moved up and down slowly, making the fabric clench and unclench around his wrist. Hijikata couldn't make out his expression at this distance, but his body was tense, and soon he yanked his boxers down in frustration, probably not able to get enough friction. Hijikata stared in shock at the now completely naked Gintoki. He stared at the smooth curve of his erect penis, and vaguely noted that it pointed slightly to the left. He shuddered as he watched Gin wrap his hand around himself again, moving it in long, slow strokes.

"Christ, what the fuck am I doing?" Hijikata whispered. He realized in horror that he'd gotten hard himself. He was disgusted with himself. But he couldn't stop watching.

Gin's hand picked up its pace, slipping eagerly up and down his cock. He varied the speed of his strokes and paused occasionally to rub the head with his thumb or palm. Then he did something that made Hijikata lose it. He reached up with his free hand and started playing with his nipples.

"Fuck. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_," he whispered. He wasn't thinking anymore. He was transfixed by the show playing out before him. He wasn't even fully aware of what he was doing as he slipped his hand into his pajama pants. He certainly wasn't aware that he was trying to stroke himself in time with Gintoki.

Gin's pace was getting more urgent now. His hips started to rise off the futon to meet his hand, thrusting upward. The fingers of his other hand made their way into his mouth, and he sucked on them, sliding them in and out a few times, before he trailed his way back to one of his nipples. He rubbed, swirled, rolled, and pinched it between his wet fingers.

"Hah… ah…" Hijikata was ashamed to hear himself gasping. He was pumping himself almost desperately now, eyes fixed on the other boy's writhing body. He was losing control. He could feel the pool of heat building in his groin, threatening to boil over. "Ah!" he cried out when he saw Gintoki arch his back as he came, jets of white shooting up and onto his bare chest.

Hijikata leaned against the window for support. The wave of pleasure coursing through him made him feel that he could pass out at any second. When his breathing finally calmed down, he looked down at his come-slathered hand. _What… what the fuck was that?_

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading!<p> 


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